Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Two winners for mega millions. One in Indiana and one in Michigan. I hope they both lose their tickets in the snow!

   Women need a reason to have sex.. Men just need a place

   This is one time where television really fails to capture the true excitement of a large squirrel predicting the weather

   I think this whole verify your account thing is a bunch of garbage. So I'm not going to follow the crowd and "verify" mine...so if you lose me as a friend I guess they were serious lol

   happy CAPS LOCK DAY

   Hosni Mubarak should have listened to me when I told him to get rid of that Justin Bieber song from his i-pod playlist

   PROUD to be serving as a Paratrooper in the U.S. Army Infantry....

   COOL TIP: If a homeless person is ever asking you for money, cut them off and say "hey do you got a dollar". (This usually throws them off)

   I guess tomorrow they're going to change the little guy's name to Punxsutawney Popsicle.

   My liver is so cute when it's all like... "Oh God!!! someone please help me!"

   this is going to be a long black history month of hennesy, watermelon and friend chicken

   do they name cyclones after women because it comes, takes all your stuff and leaves

   I'll have to google this to be certain, but I don't think a witches tit is this cold.

   I hate being bi-polar. It's f@#king awesome!!!

   funny how it's all white out on the first day of black history month

   I guess it's safe to say, Punxsutawney Phil won't be out tomorrow

   Trophies aren't meant to be put on a shelf, so sometimes I let my wife leave the house just to show off a little.

   Don't worry about it, the next man no matter how much he is smiling and acting like they got it together is struggling too! Keep fighting.

   jI just finished installing a flux compacitor in my DeLorean and I'm heading back in time to prevent the band Hanson from releasing the song "Mmmm Bop"! I need to stop that atrocity from ever happening!

   ‎400 lbs of salt and two snow blowers for sale, thanks weathermen! Excuse me while I Go sledding through my grass.