Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just built a time machine, it's taken me days and heaps of uncooked macaroni. I wrote this tomorrow!

   Stalking is such a strong word....i perfer the term surveillance expert

   girls are like phones. we love to be held and talked to but if you press the wrong button u'll be disconnected!!

   just heard that Obama peeked his head out of the White House and saw his shadow....well, I guess it's six more years of recession...

   hates snow blowing.... it gives me an ice cream headache.

   If you got attacked by a bunch of homeless people would you be bummed?

   does anyone else think that Bert and Ernie weren't so much 'funny ha ha' as they were 'funny...well...you know...

   we got about 18 inches of "global warming" on the ground now...

   Don't blame me for your lack of self-esteem... That's why it's called SELF-esteem.

   WARNING: If you get a message from somebody and it has the subject title "Link to Ashley Simpson videos", DON'T OPEN IT! It's not a virus or anything, but her music is terrible.

   My wife and I have are talking about renewing our vows. Or as I like to call it, getting a double life sentence.

   When the I in "I love you" becomes more important than the "you," the word in the middle just fades away.

   Damn!! My internet is running slower than a turtle with 3 broken legs and a massive head injuty--doesn't it know that I am a FB addict?

   I wish some people could actually see their personality when they look in a mirror.

   i'm like an ostridge, i'll stick my head in any dirty hole

   Dear Alaska, please refrain from gifting your weather next year.

   Taco Party outside Bill's office Right now!

   Getting 3 inches of snow per hour. My front yard looks like Charlie Sheen's coffee table.

   if I could just harness the powers of that groundhog to predict the future...I'd be unstoppable...and I could dig like a mother fu@ker too...

   Pajama jeans (pajamas that look like jeans)...the selling point...regular jeans are hard to put on, tight and uncomfortable...I think maybe just buying the next size up in jeans would solve the whole problem yes? just saying....