Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't need to walk a mile in your shoes. I can see you're a train wreck from all the way over here.

   .569 seconds...the amount of time it takes me to get away from a spider.

   When a man says "I can't find it", he actually means, "Since it is not within a two foot radius of me, I have no clue where it could be".

   You know it's cold outside when during rush hour you get the mitten instead of the finger.

   it just me, or did anyone else think that we would be living like the Jetson's by 2011?

   I love hearing those 3 little words..."Your prescription's ready".

   Frozen water balloon fights... not a good idea.

   Word for today: Dipshidiot

   Spiders: Nature's little reminder that you can still scream like a little girl.

   I love eating at Subway. It's the only place I get to say "I'd like a 12 inch Italian" without being judged.

   Bristol Palin says she'll eventually run for political office. Americans say they'll eventually run for Canada.

   Arachnoleptic Fit: The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

   If I had Two cookies I'd give you one, If I had two guys I'd give you the other cookie

   "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you". Unless, of course, they did unto you first, and now you have to totally open a can of "unto" on them.

   Would it be wrong to ask a one-eyed person if it really was "all fun and games" up to that point?

   Valentine's Day is for lovers. Or for people like us who will celebrate anything as long as there's chocolate involved.

   The entire French language is a choking hazard.

   What happens on Facebook stays on Facebook! (and then gets sold to the government for everyone to see).

   The Packers had a Super Bowl celebration & as a special treat, Christina Aguilera came & messed up the words to “We Are the Champions."

   Pageant officials want to fire Miss San Antonio for gaining weight. Apparently, the poor girl ballooned all the way up to a size zero.