Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just asked my barber for a Justin Bieber haircut... The f*cking idiot just shaved my pubes off.

   I'm not sure what I find more disturbing, my mum being so adamant that my sister's a lesbian, or my dad winking while he says, "She's not, son......Trust me!"

   Why didn't they just kill Gilligan on Gilligan's Island? If he hadn't screwed crap up, they could've been off that damn island years before. And what's with Skipper? You don't get that fat eating coconuts. That fat ba$tard is hiding something.

   Stretch before sex , lots of people get hurt like that.

   Grammar are our friend.

   Dont smoke... there are cooler ways to die.

   I'm not insulting you, I'm describing you.

   How do we not have lightsabers yet? Its like scientists aren't even trying.

   My fake plants died, because I did not pretend to water them

   Some old people are driving vehicles right now and don't even know it.

   FYI, strawberry shampoo does not taste like strawberrys

   Don't you love when people tell you 'don't tell anyone' the next day, after you told people.

   C.L.A.S.S. -Come Late And Start Socializing

   On the bus today I was sitting across from a really beautiful girl and I kept thinking to myself, "..please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection" ......................... but she did

   Just got into an argument with a voice automated response system on the phone…It hung up on me when I said ‘I used to finger your grandmother'….

   Just got my confirmation! I'm on the guest list for Charlie Sheen's Brews, Blow & Hoe's party.

   in a relationship with herself and its complicated..

   My son asked why women wear white at weddings. I said "Its always better if the dishwasher matches the stove and refrigerator. "

   Just got a toy black cat as a prize in a box of Lucky Charms.

   In _____________ they consider counting sheep a wet dream.