Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   BATHROOM: A room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning.

   believes it was Plato who once shared this sage advice: You gotta know when to hold 'em. Know when to fold 'em. Know when to walk away, and know when to run. You never count your money when you're sittin' at the table. There'll be time enough for countin'

   keeps a lighter in my back pocket at all times. I'm not a smoker; I just really like certain songs.

   did it like this, I did it like that, I did it with a whiffle ball bat, So....

   thinks the McDonald's Employee of the Month is a good example of when a person can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

   suggests: The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them.

   here to tell you, honey, that I'm bad to the bone. B-b-b-b-bad.

   I bet everytime a sports announcer says, "Kobe's takin' it to the hole..", his jeweler gets a woody...

   demands: BRING ME THE HEADS OF MY ENEMIES!!! Or some cupcakes. Whichever.

   "Where are we going... and why are we in a hand basket?" ~ Me... when I die.

   Breaking News: Governor Scott Walker to announce Omar Suleiman as his vice-governor in Wisconsin.........

   I had a FULL SLAB of chicken RIBS for lunch, and I'm still hungry.

   going to make a to do list... whos name should I start out with first?

   Well guys, if you want to have a baby born on 11/11/11 better go home tonight and put the meat to her

   When Lady Gaga logs onto her computer it says ...... "You've got mail........genitals!!!!"

   News flash to all men: contrary to popular belief, driving a cool sports car or a LARGE PICK UP TRUCK does not make your penis any bigger.

   Charlie Sheen gives advice: Stay off the crack, unless you can manage it socially. I can manage it fine, it;'s when I start using is I have trouble

   I call bullsh!t!!...only took about 10 min's and the water was boiling…watched it the entire time….

   If I drank a beer for every good man I've ever met, I'd still be sober...

   Chocolate is my drug of choice.