Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I want to meet the skeletons in your closet...

   Help Wanted: Psychic. You know where to apply.

   Can I trade this job for what's behind door number 1?

   FYI: If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

   Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

   I am there for you no matter what, anytime, day or night, unless there is something good on TV or I am eating pie

   I still lie to my parents about drinking. I'm in my 30s.

   I hope when they write my biography they leave out my being afraid to poop in public places

   The most painful & worst possible types of goodbyes, are the ones that are never said, or never even explained

   I hope $20 is gonna be enough to last me till next payday.

   I wish Google knew if he still loved me..

   I think gang violence would drop dramatically if gangs behaved more like those in West Side Story.

   Anti-Depression Tip: Go to your local Wal-Mart and hang out by the fitting rooms. Instant "OMG I'M SO GLAD I'M NOT THEM!" happy.

   I really don't have time to date. My iTunes library is very high maintenance

   RIP Guitar Hero

   "Red, yellow, blue, yellow, yellow, red." -The lyrics to "Walk This Way" as performed on Guitar Hero

   Why do people lie and cheat? Because they know its easier to get foregiveness than permission.

   I need a get-thin-quick scheme.

   Somethings are best unsaid but my brain to mouth filter has never worked right

   Happier than a Redneck driving a race car!!!!!