Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   prentends to be a russian gymnast when left alone in a elevator

   What does A gay horse eat? Heeeeeeyyyy!!

   Congratulations, since the Zombie Apocolypse occured you no longer have anyone human to bully you about being brainless...

   If a hungry cannibal choped your head open, there wouldn't even be enough to cover a water biscuit...

   I wouldn't wanna be around when one of the guys from ZZ Top eats an egg salad sandwich.

   they make veggie meatloaf?.... Yeah, better wash that down with a warm O'douls

   Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you're good. Fool me four times, WOW! Did you major in fooling?

   I'd like to say some wise and meaningful crap, but the fact I just referred to it as “crap” shows just how meaningful I can be.

   I need constant reassurance, right?

   Best episode of CSI ever, If only I have the power to turn things into reality... Justin Bieber would be dead for good!

   I bet cannibals were really disappointed by elbow macaroni.

   Vene, Vidi, Vacuum. I came, I saw, It sucked.

   If the waitress doesn't have a visible tattoo the restaurant is usually too expensive for me.

   Despite their name, riot police don't have much of a sense of humor.

   Coffee makes it possible to get out of bed. Chocolate makes it worthwhile.

   I JUST SAW SOMETHING THAT HAS CHANGED MY LIFE FOREVER. THREE SIMPLE WORDS....... ON NBC ..... "RIVERDANCE ON ICE"..... YOU HAD ME AT RIVER...

   at the zoo today with all the little kids running around, oh wait a minute its just Walmart.

   I want my angel of the morning to be naughty in evenings.

   I'm sorry, I didn't hear my phone ring. Your profile pic is too loud!

   The only thing some people can achieve on their own is dandruff.