Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hundreds of employees of Weight Watchers are complaining about the company's low wages. The employees said, "They're paying us peanuts. By the way, they're only six points per serving."

   Date: I should go… Me: (struggling to climb out of McDonald’s ball pit) Are you sure?

   When you wake up without a tag on your toe, consider it a great way to start the day!

   I blame Obama for the 1900 point drop in the Dow Jones, even though he has nothing to do with it.

   Whoever thinks money doesn`t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.

   I'm the perfect man, if you don't factor in looks, depth of character, emotional availability, intelligence or financial well being.

   I wonder if the hats, which were made in China, are infected with the coronavirus?

   What is Forrest Gump's password? 1Forrest1

   I don't watch Faux News for the same reason I don't eat out of the toilet.

   I'm giving up organized religion for Lent.

   Now there’s Adderall to perk up, Xanax to calm down, Prozac to feel normal. In my day we drank beer for all three.

   Women are strange creatures. My wife just told me that I needed to do some soul searching…..... so I Googled James Brown.

   it just me... or does Orange Juice taste funny without Vodka.

   The worst part about growing old is having to hang out with old people.

   If you're feeling the Bern it might be the clap. Better get it checked.

   I hate when I request a song on the radio then realize I pronounced the artist's name wrong because the artists parents didn't know how to spell it.

   My idea of surf and turf is salt water taffy served on Easter grass.

   I just had a woman use a pickup line on me that made me want to marry her. She ran her fingers across my beard and said “Is this seat taken?”

   I am not setting a bad example...I am the perfect example of what not to do!

   What do you call a wolf that has everything figured out? Aware Wolf.