bego Funny Status Messages

   When my girlfriend is angry, I go to Facebook and constantly refresh my relationship status to see if I'm single again.

   Live this day as if it is your last...And if it turns out it isn't, make many apologies tomorrow.

   Hey girl with 40,000 tweets and 14 followers, I'm guessing you should probably shut the f$ck up.

   There is nothing worse than when the car in front of you stops at a yellow light and you have to get home to take a dump.

   Everything I like is either: illegal, immoral, fattening, addictive, expensive, or impossible

   That gangsta feeling when you rap your favorite song without messing up.

   Seeing your ex with someone uglier than you. Awesome.

   Let us all take a moment, and be thankful that spiders can't fly.

   Universal truth: sun rises in the East Fact: sun neither rises nor sets, the Earth rotates... Moral: Education kills our Common Sense

   Sometimes you just need your space, so you can figure out how you fit into someone else's.

   If there were a pill for stupid....some people would have to take more than one.

   Have you ever said something and immediately thought "I didn't know I knew that."

   Alcohol makes me worse at everything except telling secrets.

   There are friends, there is family and then there are friends that become family.

   You can spend 7 bucks on a 6 pack of Bud Light or you can just take a piss in your mouth for free.

   If you don't do stupid things while you're young, you'll have nothing to smile about when you're old.

   My brain is about as organized as the WalMart $5 DVD bin.

   Today, I found out my wife is pregnant. She hadn't even called me; I saw the news on my Facebook news feed.

   The Jehovah's Witnesses witnessed me whacking off on my couch.

   Today, I saw an old man struggling with three bags, so I offered to carry them for him. He must not have heard me because when I bent down to take the bags, he thought I was stealing them and punched me in the face. FML