Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What’s the right age to stop running naked from the bedroom to the bathroom?

   Life lesson #35890: You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't flick your friends out the car window.

   I just don't understand why Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell car insurance. Is there something dirty about car insurance we should know about?

   Happy St. Hangover's Day, everybody.

   Question, Why don't we ever hear anyone bragging about their Allstate safe driving bonus checks?

   Yes sir, I’ve spent more time in Facebook Jail than they gave Smollett.

   Boss spelled backwards is double SOB.

   You call me "Far Right" but I think what you really mean is "Right so Far."

   Every day is St. Patrick's Day when you're a drunk who likes to pinch people.

   Transgender children are like vegetarian cats. You know darn well it's the adult who's making the decision.

   Did you know? Every letter “C” in the words “Pacific Ocean” is pronounced differently.

   So I was in the pool and a woman walked by and said, "I see you like playing with things that are round and buoyant." I said, "Not necessarily, I couldn't find a float." She said, "I was talking to the beach ball."

   I don’t trust banks anymore. I’m taking all my money out. I can’t trust them with all $23.56.

   The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.

   Hears an idea, Instead of phasing out fossil fuels, let's phase out the fossils in Congress.

   Who is the genius who decided to call them Dentures and not Substitooths?

   I can’t believe it’s already bank collapse season… I still have my train derailment decorations up.

   Ran into a guy at a bar who said he was a huge rock star back in the '80s I didn't believe but he was adamant.

   I used to grow weed on Farmville and sell it on Mafia Wars. Good Times!

   So I got an special announcement to share with you all. I am running for president!!! Like we can't screw up this country enough. #gary2024