Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Only in a Volkswagen bus does it take 20 extra minutes to get gas after being stopped by people who wanted to reminisce about their Glory Days!

   Remember, if you tell people who you voted for, it won’t come true

   My kids are so aware that I'm a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.

   That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp and kill a cat.

   You know you're a classic VW owner if your friends always ask to borrow tools when you stop by because they know you're carrying them with you.

   When I die, please don’t do an autopsy. Whatever happened is fine.

   Saw a great movie about fishing. reel good cast.

   Nobody Ask you For More Favors Than.... The Cops! Hey Buddy Do Me A Favor.. #StepOutTheVehicle Do Me A Favor.. #TurnAroundFaceTheCar Do Me A Favor.. #PutYourHandsBehindUrBack

   What did Sushi-A say to Sushi-B? Wasabi.

   Every Final Destination movie ending: Death wins, everyone who survived the accident in the beginning, dies.

   Took my phone to the men's room once-didn't realize I was streaming live..

   Selling scotch during a prohibition is whiskey business.

   Why did the Galaxy Karaoke phone fail? It always played the Samsung over and over again.

   My math teacher called me average. How mean!

   My sister used to date a guy who played professional hockey in Calgary. He's an old Flame.

   *pulls out earbud* What? "We need to talk." *pulls out earbud* "You've been spending too much time at Chernobyl." *pulls out earbud* No way

   Give a man a fish and he'll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.

   I like to write "made you look" on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.

   I'm smart but not "know when to stop eating" smart.

   : I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.