Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   An elderly woman at an ATM asked me to check her balance... so I pushed her over.

   Looking back on my childhood....I'm sure Daffy Duck was on that drug "Charlie Sheen".

   I'm in time out because apparently riding the dog like a small pony is outlawed in this house...grrrrr

   Rappers always talk about robbing people in their songs, thats why I download all their songs for free. Payback!!

   “Come on, dude. Grow a pear.” - farmer to a barren tree

   Lindsey Lohan wants to work again. The community service over all ready?

   why do all the women on Maury SCREAM when they talk?

   Lindsey Lohan is on the back burner now, her comment..."oh no he didn't"

   Lindsey Lohan speaks out.....who cares, we quit you. Go Charlie Go Charlie

   For some strange reason, no matter where I go, the place is always called "here"

   on the days I don't show up to work, ima tell my boss, I didn't miss work, I missed practice, we not talking about work here, we're talking about PRACTICE!

   Parents call it "talking back" we call it explaining.

   Dear Nosey Friend, I know you're reading my inbox while You're "playing" with my phone.

   making the 6 Million Dollar Man sound effect as he runs.

   new drinking game: everytime Charlie Sheen says something in an interview, you take a shot....5 minutes into an hour interview and I was drunk. :/

   reminds Arsenalaction of Blair's so-called “deal in the desert” in March 2004 with a famously cheesy handshake with Col Gaddafi...you ass.

   you ever have a conversation with someone and think...If only your family tree had a few more branches, this conversation wouldn't be so painful...

   Somalia Pirates are at it again...what is this the 1600's? kill those bastrads.

   ‎"What is home really?" ... Where you hide your most intimate secrets...like your panty wearing fetish! Well that's mine, but you get the idea.

   Charlie Sheen interview tonight on 20/20...I'm going to get drunk and watch it, it'll make more sense that way.