Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   not a stalker... but your couch does look good from the bushes

   women are attracted to danger... and there's nothing more dagerous than running with scissors.

   1300 should actually be like 1250 since about 50 of these pages are nothing but reposts.

   1300...yeah, that's a lot of pages. You have no idea how long it took me to go through all of them..

   I shaved my commute time in half by changing my car's horn to sound like gunfire....

   I am not nearly as funny or entertaining in person, but I sure think I am when I have a few drinks.

   Justin Bieber takes his relationship with Selena Gomez public. I think that it is so sweet that he's pretending to like girls....

   If something is important enough in my life, it will be denoted by the fact I created an itunes playlist to represent it.

   Note to self...apparently management doesn't find the game of hide-and-go-seek as amusing as I do....which sucks 'cus I had an awesome hiding spot.

   Outraged that Charlie Sheen turned down my offer to do a spin off show called 2 ½ grams…

   I am wondering if Snoop Dog ever watched Charlie Brown.

   Just got some Tiger's Blood. Thanks Charlie!

   don't pee on me and tell me it's raining... pee on me and tell me you love me.

   there any way we can blame gas prices on Charlie Sheen?

   I was raised by my father----my mother left before I was born.

   I hate Indian givers. No wait, I take that back.

   Dear Dora, How do you get that t-shirt to fit over your head? Please tell me your secret because I would like to fit into these size 5 jeans. Sincerely, The Average Sized Woman

   I don't know what it is that you're doing to make it appear as if you're really stupid, but whatever it is, it's really working

   Oatmeal raisin cookies are only eaten when mistaken for chocolate chip.

   Somewhere out there, someone's grandma's recipe for dill bread reads ".. allow dill dough to rise".