Funny Status Messages

   I slipped and fell on ice today. I realized it was black ice when I got up and my wallet and keys were missing.

   like a good neighbor, state farm I there...with halle berry butt naked feeding me peeled grapes!

   so out focus on my commute this morning that everyones heads were bigger then there asses. lol.

   To Kim Kardashian: "They playin' my Jam"...seriously??? I've heard better tunes coming from my ass after chilli n' beer night. Please don't sing any more songs. The only "tapes" you should be mixin' are sex tapes. LOL! Seriously, I'm just sayin'....

   A guy from kentucky won a 60 million dollar jackpot recently. He said he's going to split all the money with his wife and sister. Wow, that's one lucky woman.

   ...You cannot predict how people think because even cows cross the road in the pale moonlight

   I would like to thank Jesus of Nazareth for the good deal I got on my tires and Jesus of Guatemala for the speedy service.

   when I was a kid I always wanted to see the face of the fat lady in "Tom & Jerry"

   It doesn't matter if the glass is half empty or half full. There is clearly room for more alcohol....

   As we grow up, we don't lose friends, we just learn who the real ones are.

   ever stand there, making a pot of coffee, look at the coffee grounds and consider doing a line or two of em just to jump start the day? Yep, it's that kinda day !!!

   I'm sitting here enjoying a delicious protein muffin. Some may say because of the chocolate frosting and sprinkles that it's a cupcake but that's just not true.

   Wanna shake my weight ladies & save yourself some money ?

   screw the box! I think outside the straight-jacket

   Party all night like animals, wake up feeling like road kill

   This one time, at band camp... I played the tamborine :) What did you think I was going to do at band camp?

   Next Election campaign should be "real change" the one after it should be "seriously change"

   Dear Kim Kardashian.... Paris Hilton sings better than you!

   Actually according to chemists, alcohol IS a solution…

   They've asked me to appear on “I Shouldn't Be Alive.” I didn't survive anything. They just don't like me.