Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I would like to thank Jesus of Nazareth for the good deal I got on my tires and Jesus of Guatemala for the speedy service.

   when I was a kid I always wanted to see the face of the fat lady in "Tom & Jerry"

   It doesn't matter if the glass is half empty or half full. There is clearly room for more alcohol....

   As we grow up, we don't lose friends, we just learn who the real ones are.

   ever stand there, making a pot of coffee, look at the coffee grounds and consider doing a line or two of em just to jump start the day? Yep, it's that kinda day !!!

   I'm sitting here enjoying a delicious protein muffin. Some may say because of the chocolate frosting and sprinkles that it's a cupcake but that's just not true.

   Wanna shake my weight ladies & save yourself some money ?

   screw the box! I think outside the straight-jacket

   Party all night like animals, wake up feeling like road kill

   This one time, at band camp... I played the tamborine :) What did you think I was going to do at band camp?

   Next Election campaign should be "real change" the one after it should be "seriously change"

   Dear Kim Kardashian.... Paris Hilton sings better than you!

   Actually according to chemists, alcohol IS a solution…

   They've asked me to appear on “I Shouldn't Be Alive.” I didn't survive anything. They just don't like me.

   off to buy some new T-shirts. V necks are in at the moment. Or W necks if you are Siamese twins.

   I'm like a cold-cut of amazing sandwiched between two pieces of awesome! Charlie Sheen....I think I wanna marry that crazy Ba*tard, if nothing else having a conversation with him would be AWESOME!

   So I re-watched the Ke$ha video after a half a bottle of wine last night, and not even while intoxicated does that sh*t makes sense! I guess you have to get some blow, to get Blow

   I used to believe people wanted to contact me but always found me unavailable. to rectify this I bought a mobile, got BBM, what'sapp, msn, yahoo... what a relief, now I know exactly how many people aren't trying to get in touch with me...

   Charlie Sheen on his carefree spending, to TMZ: "Blame the studio for giving me this much dough knowing who they were giving to." Who would have thought that giving an actor with a history of drug problems $2 MM an episode would have turned out badly.

   I just recieved my "Magic Jack" as seen on TV. It's important to listen and pay attention. Evidently this "Magic Jack" is some phone/internet crap!