Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Did you hear about the two car pile-up in the Walmart parking lot? 53 Mexicans were killed. The occupants in the other car were uninjured.

   Man sitting at home on the verandah with his wife and he says, "I love you." She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?" He replies, "It's me............. talking to the beer."

   Glad Doc Brown no longer needs plutonium for his flux capacitor, ‘cause the Libyans are busy right now.

   Space has 10 different dimensions, but we can only see 3. So the other 7 are a great place to hide your porn.

   Sky News - "Man Arrested On Suicide Bomb Charges" I know nothing about this case, but i'm fairly confident it wasn't him.

   I was in Wimbledon the other day and was talking to this guy and he said he was a ball boy. I told him I'm more of a breast man myself.

   I can't stand those people who hate football but still go along to games to deliberately cause trouble and ruin them for everybody else. Bloody referees.

   Q: So just how much cocaine DID Charlie Sheen have last week? A: Enough to kill Two and a Half Men.

   looking for this guy named Lent...everybody keeps giving him things that I'm gonna need for my Charlie Sheen Holloween costume...

   thinking why do all main disney channel or nickolodeon stars become singers when most cant even sing!?

   I can usually figure out many parties I've been to lately by counting the extra lighters I woke up with in my pocket.

   I just saw my episode of cops on television. Damn I'm fast.

   just heard that Lady Gaga will top her last performance by rebirthing....Special Guest: Octomom...

   someone just googled my status and said they knew I couldnt be that funny

   Here's what's happened in Wisconsin. The people who earn the money to pay these public sector workers -- for the first time -- have somebody representing them.

   This is my last cookie......-eats it then gets a few more-

   wonders - on a scale from 1 to Osama Bin Lanin, how good was my hiding spot?

   "I always try to go the extra mile for my customers" - New York City's most hated cab driver

   While pumping gas, if you listen closely, you can hear the pump telling your kid's college fund to go "F" itself.

   Most fortune cookies are too boring and cliché. So, I've decided to start my own fortune cookie company. My goal is to at least make the fortunes more accessible and realistic. Such as: You will experience a horrific bowel movement in about 10 minutes.