Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   all this coverage of the earthquake, why didnt anyone jump under desks ?

   for once I'll like a fortune cookie to tell me, you gonna have hot sweaty sex and is gonna leave you exhausted

   I thought about shaving my legs today but what's the point? I'm not gonna wear a dress and I'm not having sex, so hairy legs it is :D

   what was that saying from that commercial from the '70's...don't mess with mother nature.

   lay off the cars and sony stuff and make an earthquake detctor.

   BREAKING NEWS!! As a result of the tsunami that hit Hawaii, Barack Obama's birth certificate was finally FOUND... Washed up on shore!! ;)

   My lady asked me if we could go out to somewhere expensive the other night, so I took her to the gas station.

   A stark reminder that we're just guests on this planet.

   If the world is gonna end, I've got to start spending money faster. Anyone up for a party?

   We are the only ones who can control our own happiness, but sometimes it feels like someone else is holding the remote.

   It's a hard thing not to trust the earth beneath your feet.

   heard CNN say that the US is sending the ship SS Ronald Regan to Japan for relief. Christ. I hope it remembers how to get there.

   attn residents of Hawaii. Just a thought but if you were to drop the "Bounty Hunters" wife from a helicopter directly infront of the "sunami" it may soften the blow and even break up the wave pattern. (just trying to help)

   Dear Math, Stop asking us to find your x. She's not coming back. You're so annoying! Now we know why she left you. Sincerely, Students.

   If I ever become epileptic, I'm going to get a tattoo that reads Carpe Diem....for the irony....

   prostitutes have the best job! They SELL their body.... and then they get to keep it!

   The oriental man next door is SO nice!! he just came and asked if he could Wok my dog!! I was like "sure, I'll get the leash" Must have went a long ways, he still hasn't brought my dog back and it's been 3 days....

   I propose we walk everywhere for the rest of our lives. That'll show those evil oil companies!!

   And on the eighth day God said, "Okay, Murphy, you're in charge!"

   I hope we have a good weekend before the end of the world !!