Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The world needs a hero, I'll go change my clothes..

   I walk light so I don't piss the ground off..

   ok Ladies, time to start tenderizing the meat!

   If my calculations are correct... Switching to Geico from Allstate, then transferring your policy to State Farm, only to drop them and switch to Progressive.... Auto insurance will be free!

   people will hate you, rate you, break you, and shake you. how strong you stand is what makes you.

   I have taken a vow of poverty. To annoy me...send money.

   I told a girl she drew her eyebrows on too high. She looked pretty surprised.

   I think it's hilarious people have profile pics up of them from 2 yrs ago. You do not look like that anymore, hunny. lol

   NEVER let someone know what annoys you...or you will fuel their fire...

   What's the difference between a Catholic mother and a Jewish mother? A Catholic mother says "If you don't eat this, I'll kill you.", a Jewish mother says "If you don't eat this, I'll kill myself.".

   My friend just broke up with his Japanese girlfriend. I told him, don't worry, there are plenty more in the sea...

   does anyone know where I am right now? Seriously...bring asprin if you do...

   In therory we gained an hour, I demand a recount!

   I don't flirt with women, I flirt with disaster.

   I hate it when Pi Day falls on a Monday!

   March 14th the males alternative to Valentines Day... Look it up ladies Saltgrass is sounding good!!!!

   My son broke his Apple computer today and had the audacity to ask me to buy him a new one. I said, "Apples don't grow on f-kin trees you know!"

   My girlfriend said shes leaving me because I'm too reckless and keep taking stupid risks. I think that's what she said anyway. I was shaving my bollox with a chainsaw at the time.

   Hi. I'm probably on-line, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't message back, it's you

   this "by name" person needs a burning stick OR a red hot poker shoved up their izass