Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Happy St. Patrick's Day: May your glass be ever full. May the roof over your head be always strong. And may you be in heaven half an hour before the devil knows you're dead. Cheers

   Here's to our wives and girlfriends: May they never meet!

   What's on my mind? *insert sarcastic third party rant here*

   I have better things to waste my life on then to put up with you, like updating this status!

   be yourself...everyone else is taken

   sometimes, even the smallest apology will make me feel better; but most of the time, I think you're full of SH!T.

   Damn girl your skinny! I rolled blunts fatter then you but you've been passed around more!

   not saying that girl I was dancing with at the club was a skank,...but some Febreze and Jesus wouldn't hurt that girl at all!

   You see son, when two girls love each other very much they have this CUP…

   The UN is just another organization who likes to bang their fists and holler about human rights and enjoy seeing their name in print.

   In light of the impending nuclear catastrophe I have two words of advice for the Japanese… Double Tap

   If you can't speak proper English and use some punctuation when writing, why the hell should I listen to you concerning matters of politics and religion? You haven't even mastered the English language, much less know what's going on in the real world.

   After seeing all the gang signs at the park idk which one I want to join :-P

   Duh...I finally finished my brackets and I have Charlie Sheen WINNING!!!

   Two Irish guys are fishing. The first guy reels in his line and sees that he's snagged an old bottle. As he's taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish.

   So what you're saying is you have a problem that is totally your problem but you'd like to find a way to make that problem my problem; but here's the problem, buddy, it's not my problem.

   “Turn the lake into beer,” he says. The genie goes “Poof!” and the lake turns into beer. He says to His buddy, “So what do you think?” The other guy says, “You jerk. Now we've got to piss in the boat.” happy St Patricks day!!

   My sister was with two men in one night. She could hardly walk after that. Can you imagine? Two dinners!

   I was sitting in the store parking lot and noticed one of those "Smart Cars". I was at first thinking it was pretty cool until I saw the owner tying his Papa Murphy's pizzas to the roof.

   Did you knOw that if your awake for more than 72 hours you can get away with killing someone by pleading insanity. I'm on hour 56 I'll let you know tomorrow how things go.