Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why don't more hunters set up their stands at the deer crossing signs.

   Why do they have "Slow Children" Crossing so many roads.

   Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts" who get's the other penny......taxes

   i wish the brightness control on my TV made the people smarter

   you know your getting old when you get out of bed and your body pops more then bubble wrap

   A womans legs are her best friends but sometimes even the best of friends must part.

   Dear Weather Channel, the mancrush you have on Jim Cantore and his lame storm stories is getting ridiculous...Can I just see my local forecast please?!

   (_̅_̲̲̲̲̲̅̅̅̅̅̅̅_̅__̅_̅_̅()~~~ passs it!!!

   The only wet dream I had about you was when you got hit by a bus and I pissed my pants laughing

   Today I'm going to entertain the kids with a game of duct, duct, tape.

   I just saw a hobo on the side of the road with a sign that said "Hungry Hungry Hobo."

   today's weight loss tip: use super glue as lipgloss...

   You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac... you're welcome.

   Just got an extra quarter while getting my change from the soda machine. THUG LIFE.

   You know breast feeding a baby turtle is not as easy as they make it out to be!

   MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.

   just headbutted his cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.

   hopes the walls stops moving before his manager notices he's drunk

   would say something smart but you wouldnt understand...

   Music now a days sucks....Jim Morrison, dead; Kurt Cobain, dead; Biggie, dead; Justin Beiber, healthy as a god damn mule!