Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A keyring is a handy little gadget that let's you lose all your keys at once

   nt it strange how hot sexy women always drive cute little car? Which reminds me the m.o.t due on the wife's transit

   dont forget to party like Rebecca black tomorow

   There's a fine line between OBLIVION and PLAIN STUPIDITY.

   My girlfriend told me how shaving her before sex could be quite a turn on and give for a much smoother experience. She was wrong though, I found her bald head more of a turn off.

   When I was at school I belonged to a gang called The Secret Seven and we were sworn to secrecy. We were so good that I never found out who the other six were.

   Facebook is like jail, you sit around and waste time, have a profile picture, write on walls, and get pocked my guys you don't really know.

   Whenever I erase text messages, I feel like I'm deleting evidence :)

   wondering if I should go to bed or just stay up. I have mixed emotions about it. If I stay up I will be bored and if I go to bed I will be bored. At least if I'm in bed sleeping I won't know I'm bored so I guess I will go to bed..Peace out!!

   People tend to have two reasons for doing a thing; one that sounds good and a real one.

   What FB really needs.. Is an "Unsee" button..

   One man says to the other "I heard Joe is doing Crystal Meth now." The other man replys "Who's Crystal and how longs he been doing her?"

   Saw a lady at Walmart wearing those "shape up" shoes. Thought to myself, "Honey....there ain't no shaping that thing up."

   Have ya ever notice no one ever post a "If you have a loved one in Hell that you miss, please repost"...

   If you find out your guest has no toilet paper from the other side of the door, you have FAILED as a host.

   I love spring but I'm not too keen on the pollen that comes along with it. Sneeze, sniff, sneeze, ...... I buy enough sudafed where the feds have me on their Meth lab watch list...... :D You think they would park their van a little bit farther down ...

   I'm going to rename my iPhone "virginity", so I can run up and down halls screaming "I lost my virginity!!" several times a year.

   Everything I need to know in life I learned in kindergarten... if you poop your pants they let you go home.

   If you believe in the ever after you would have to assume that Liz now knows if MJ did it

   I swear to god some people you meet make you think "why didn't their parents use a condom?"