Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   they say there is more fish in the sea....im not sure what bait to use and I sure in the hell dont wanna catch any crabs...

   Dear windshield wipers,...You cant touch this.....Sincerely, The triangle

   anyone else think Scotty from American Idol looks like Alfred E Newman from Mad Magazine???

   I found $40 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy dart guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, dart guns and candy".

   I won't get angry at you today... I just learned it's "Be kind to Animals Week"!

   Never argue with a fool, they will lower you to their level and then beat you with experience.

   gonna go out and make a difference in the life of America's youth tonight!!! There is a lot of teachable amounts in the champagn room

   Trying to forget someone who once beat the crap out of you is like trying to remember someone you never met

   Being with the wrong people is like wearing shoes that are too tight. It's so hard to fit in, and it hurts like hell in the end.

   If I wanted a job where I got screwed every day, I would have became a prostitute.

   One of the those days where it felt like I was going through a mid 20s crisis. Then I realized I was past my mid 20s and that caused another crisis. On days like this there is only one man I turn to for guidance. Watching ALF

   Nothing like being 29 years old and having your Mother threaten to ground you if you get another tattoo. Havent seen her this fired up since I got caught in a dirty chat room on AOL 3.0

   Charlie Sheen marched into JG Wentworth and got his money back no questions asked.

   taking off the 'friends' on facebook that have never liked my status . If you can't show in public that you don't agree with me on anything, well what kind of 'friend' are you ?!

   just got kicked out of JG Wentworth for marching in and demanding my money NOW!

   I realize you are trying to protect a very expensive Jacket….But Mothballs STINK!!!! Who's the Genius that thought Storing anything in balls of chemical pesticide would be a good idea?

   thinks facebook should be responsible for funding all these foreign wars it keeps getting us into.....Pay up, Zuckerburg!!!

   I feel betrayed by ice cubes, like all they do is lie to me about how much drink I really have.

   So I walked into a bar... ...and who do I see sitting next to me but 50 Cent, and he's knitting a sweater... So I yelled to him, Gee you knit?

   I guess ima go to school in my boxers tomorrow since it's pajama day