Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I ever get arrested, do I have a good enough friend to come to my house and clear my browseer before they can obtain the search warrant??

   Thank you Google homepage image, for reminding me to bust out my Bunsen burner and heat, sterilize or combust something in tribute of Robert Bunsen's 200th b day. Where would laboratories abroad be without you, burner of Bunseness...

   So Mr. Sandman...since you've abandoned me for the sake of other's slumber, I've decided to move on. Advil PM, start digesting and work your magic.

   smart phones seem to be more high maintenance than a pet...calm down blackberry, I'm adapting to your ways of communicating...

   Two wrongs don't make a right but three lefts do.

   I miss the old “This is your brain on drugs” ad ‘cause I now do, in fact, have some questions.

   There was a box of donuts at work today with a note on it saying "help yourself". Great advice I thought. So I didn't have any donuts.

   When I die, I want to buried with an elephant bone. Just to screw with future archiologists.

   wondering.. If Jesus really IS the answer, does that mean you can write =Jesus for every answer on a test ... ?

   Just found out that being a "person of interest" is not as cool as it sounds.

   remembers when sex was safe and sky diving was dangerous...

   I know this is bad taste... But do you think this means we'll be seeing an increase in Japanese Superheroes?...

   Lindsey Lohan changed her name to Houdini because he use to make stuff disappear also.

   If you make a left turn on backstabbing lane, cut through friendship trust terrace, and hang another left on weasel blvd. You'll find Greg Zafiris

   I wish these people would stop sending me job offers for 5k a month to sit at my computer at home and work... after I get that check from the nigerian lottery i'm not going to need a job! suckers ;)

   I wear a lot of axe. But I live in a primarily black neighborhood so around here it's called Ask.

   you're not drinking alone if there's a mirror in the room right?!

   I don't sleep with every woman I meat. Usually, I wait for them to leave before I call it a night...

   My doctor told me to watch my drinking. So I'm off to find a bar with a mirror.

   In an Indian restaurant last night having a meal, waiter came over and says, 'Curry OK?' I said, 'Go on then, just one song then bugger off'