Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I throw my telescope in the air sometimes. Sayin' AYOOO I'm Galileo.

   So I was looking at the Oregano at work and saw a cop come in and I don't know why but I hid it...

   Whenever I see small children on leashes, I'm always tempted to run up, scratch their bellies, and ask “How old in human years?”

   a long term relationship with whisky though it seems complicated because i'm still having some feeling for vodka!

   Facebook: a book with more good looking people than the real world.

   Women are like cheese...They come in different shapes, colours, and with various sized holes. Mature one's have blue veins running through them....And they always go down easier with wine.

   Facebook should get a B*tch Slap button, because we all know sometimes pokes just aren't enough!

   I called the geek squad and they asked"what were you doing when you caught the virus?"I say"well I wasn't reading the Bible online geek!

   I was completely offended, but then you said "no offense," so now everything's cool.

   Omg!! got 6 numbers on the Lotto... and the stupid machine didn't pick any of them :(

   Geez O pete's just legalize marijauna already...just for the simple fact that stoner's won't have anything else to talk about, ever!!

   Dodged another windshield today.....BUG LIFE.

   So ticket resellers are selling tickets to Charlie Sheen's show at a 75% loss. Why would the average American pay $52 to see something they can read on Twitter for free? Losing. duh.

   to get a taxi from West Philadelphia (Born and raised) to Bel Air would cost $8356.96 on an average journey. Jazzy Jeff is one generous guy.

   The kids nowadays don't realize how lucky they are when it comes to porn. They can switch on the computer and have vast amounts in seconds. When I was a kid, I used to have a wank when I typed the digits 55318008 into a calculator

   Ok, so this girl on Facebook posted a status which read: "How can I get rid of this morning sickness?" Turns out replying, "Try a coat hanger" is a good way to get yourself deleted.

   I think I'm going to have my OCD support group meeting at my home today. If nothing else, at least my house will get cleaned...

   Advice for office managers: Keep the sexual harassment complaint forms in the bottom drawer. That way, when she goes to get one you'll get a great view of her ass.

   Am I the only one who feels Facebook was actually created by divorce Lawyers????

   I agree with weed man down there. Everyone would be so much happier if they legalized it.