Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   One day, long, long ago there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or complain. But it was a long time ago, and it was just that one day.

   When the Snake is alive, the Snake eats Ants. When the Snake is dead, Ants eat the Snake. Time can turn at any time. Don't neglect anyone in your life........

   when the Zombie Apacalypse happens (and it will) I'm going to surround my house with outward facing treadmills. Yep, I'll be just fine.

   There was a piece of cake in the fridge with a 'Don't eat me' note on it. Now there's an empty plate with a 'I don't take orders from cake' note on it.

   Experts say the snake that escaped from the Bronx Zoo may be seeking its natural habitat ..and is heading for Wall St.

   Trump wants Obama to show his birth certificate.. In other news, Trump is still trying to find all his marriage certificates.

   Somewhere in America, a guy at a CVS wisely and at the last minute, puts back the loofah

   I'm not single and I'm not committed... I'm simply on reserve for the one who deserves...

   Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.

   have you ever noticed that the saying is 'smoking weed affects your memory'- yet you can never forget that single fact?

   not everything is better on weed. Most things are, not everything.

   It's a humbling moment when you realize your dog or cat has actually trained you to do something.

   The only reason why people hold onto memories is because memories are the only things that don't change when everyone else does.

   I hate when people say, "I gotta get my body right for the summer." ...like, wtf are you going to do about your face???

   Funny how Facebook has turned druggies, hoes, and fakes into motivational speakers...

   Drunk walking home is much more fun than drunk driving home, and much less dangerous. For instance, if you knock over something driving home, you are screwed. If you knock over something while drunk walking home, everyone cheers.

   Not everyone can be a Rockstar.....some of us have to be satisfied with just being the irritating pebble in a shoe....

   why use floss when I can just squirt water through my teeth?? Sometimes the little things will just have to do until I get a robot

   Had that dream again last night where the GEICO lizard makes me hold his legs down while he does sit-ups.

   I spill things :(