Baddie Funny Status Messages

   I keep myself in good enough shape to outrun most women and children during emergencies.

   Going on a dangerous assignment. If I don't come back, can someone please tell my girlfriend that I always found her laugh really annoying. Thanks.

   I love how some people ignore the train wreck that is my life and actually try to ask me for advice with a straight face.

   Reverse cowgirl or as I like to call it: Damn woman, you forgot to wipe!

   The Titanic is a great lesson of why just the tip can get you in a lot of trouble.

   I am like a hardware store. I screw. I nut. I bolt.

   I don't want to brag, but I'm single-handedly responsible for 86% of the rules in the Employee Handbook at work.

   All women get paid for sex. Some take cash, others accept three lunches/dinners as payment.

   Stand for what you believe in. Or sit on the couch and have a couple of donuts. It's a free country really.

   Watching a program about apes trying to make it in the real world. Wait no, it's "Keeping up with the Kardashians".

   Nothing makes you feel more alive then standing on a grave.

   Tell a woman she has cute kids and she's all proud. Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.

   Joyce, the office slut, just sneezed and now we all have to take a mandatory HIV test on Monday :(

   I smoke cigarettes so that people will walk up to me and talk about death.

   A part of me wants to go to the gym and the other part of me is a liar.

   Too bad you cant photoshop your stinky breath as well.

   Me: why did you stop me? Cop: for starters you're not wearing a seatbelt. Me: what about main course? Cop: step out of the car.

   I hate when I'm stalking someone & go to another person and then another person and still didn't finish stalking the first one.

   So everybody hates Crocs yet the company is worth $2 billion! Some of you must be lying!

   So everybody hates Crocs yet the company is worth $2 billion! Some of you must be lying!