Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Girl says "Guys are like bras. They hook up behind your back.".... The best reply, "Girls are like condoms, they spend more time in your wallet then on your d!ck!"

   Live,Laugh, Love if that doesn't work- Raise, Aim and Fire..

   I just saw an advertisement for a singles site that read, “Meet sincere singles over 40”. Thank you, but no thank you, as I'm in search of a deceitful woman...again.....

   longing for the good old days when "Anarchists" were protesting for something other than more government.

   always afraid to poop at a friends house cuz I might clog the toilet...

   There's a distinct difference between power walking for fitness and power walking because you have to use the bathroom

   I think I may have misunderstood my boss when she told me that she loved seeing me hard at work

   Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth

   A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face and the egg is frowning and looking a bit pissed off. The egg mutters, to no-one in particular, "Well, I guess we answered THAT question!"

   whys everyone so excited about opening day? I thought walgreens in town didnt open until tomorrow

   We all have that one friend who needs to get laid. Well, at least my friends do.

   Why don't guys ever suck at singing? It's either good enough or surprisingly great. Of the girls I know, maybe two are amazing, the rest of us sound like drunken seagulls, and there's always one who can only be described as a serial ear murderer.

   Men are like lottery tickets. Very exciting at first, until you scratch away the surface to reveal the loser beneath.

   I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance – waiting for the bathroom.

   : Things Change. Times change. I changed. you changed. :C

   Just saw a commercial for the new movie "Hop". I don't think I'll ever look at jellybeans the same way again! ;)

   My plan to impress people with big words has failed egregiously.

   I want to be there when Google takes the street view picture of my address. The possibilities are endless.

   Did you blow Bubbles when you were younger? Well, he's back in town and wants your number.

   visiting all 6.3 million web pages about 'obsessive personality'.