Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   it only thunders when it's raining.. a player only loves you when he's playing..

   Gonna get a softball team going and name ourselves "off constantly". That way if we lose a game, we could still have the satisfaction of listening our opponents try to brag about beating off constantly..

   Don't let your life be hell, you get more than enough of that when it's over

   Heads up... If your significant other is paranoid about you cheating, it probably means they are.

   Funny Conundrum: Most single people wana be in a relationship, and most people in a relationship wana be single.

   Today I went on thesaurus.com and searched "ninjas" The computer told me "Ninjas cannot be found" Well played, ninjas, well played

   Why do men think women are so complicated ?? All you have to do is give us chocolate, tell us we're pretty, and assume everything we say is right

   I'm kinda like pizza - even when I'm bad I'm good!

   diputs leef uoy edam I sey <--Now read it backwords

   When being chased by police, you're best chance is to throw the passenger out the window. They will most likely stop for them, so you can get away.

   Hey, Don't blame me, I voted for the white dude!

   I'm a cowgirl...and you can be my cowboy...but only if you wear levis..cus wranglers strangle the boys

   Just found out that if you bake ice cream it does NOT make ice cream cake

   I'm pretty Fry for a Rice guy.

   ‎90 people have swine flu(H1N1), and everyone wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom

   If politicians are the answer, then it must have been a damn stupid question

   Whoever said 'Laughter is a medicine with no side effects' obviously never pee'd themselves from laughing

   I refuse to jump on the 'I hate Mondays' bandwagon. I hate all workdays equally

   when a stripper asks you to beat the hard level on angry birds you DO IT!!!!!

   "If you spare the rod and you spoil the child"... More like if you spare the rod, there is no child.