Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The length of a minute depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.

   1 Universe, 8 Planets, 7 Continents, 809 Islands, 204 Countries, and I had the privilege of meeting you.

   You give me the kind of feeling people write novels about.

   Walk into kitchen for orange juice; walk out with sandwich, crackers, chocolate milk, and the TV remote you lost 30 minutes ago

   Dance like no one's going to put it on YouTube.

   I believe that if you tell your boss what you really think of him, the truth will set you free

   The word OK looks like a sideways person. I've said OK my whole life and never noticed him.

   That awkward moment when you chilling in a park and Bruno Mars walks by dragging the piano ;)

   I fight evil wherever it may be….except in dark, scary places.

   Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer you get to the end the faster it goes.

   Cops never say "thanks for speeding and keeping us employed". It's just plain selfish.

   This just in Mr.Cee & Bishop Eddie long got the leading roles in "Brokeback Mountain 2" it's directed by TAKE IT TO THE FACE !!! productions.

   I neverr get jealous when I see my ex with someone else because my parents taught me to give my toys to the less fortunate

   People think that I'm too patronising (to put in terms that you'd understand, that means I treat them like they're stupid).

   husband for sale...comes with xbox controller

   if you need a quick ego boost.... watch an episode or 2 of intervention on A&E... I feel great now!

   The controlling force of all the corporate propaganda, religious guilt, and governmental coercion shrinks to insignificance in the face of a single human being with a profound belief in a revolutionary idea.

   "You are the sun and I the moon. I am the sea to your shore. In your arms I've finally found the love I was searching for."

   Get robbed on the street by a stranger, it's called a mugging, get robbed by your government, and it's called "taxes" ;)

   What's the difference between a psychologist and a magician? A psychologist pulls habits out of rats!