Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Everytime a politician says, "my friends on the other side of the aisle," God kills a kitten.

   wishing he had a million dollars so he could buy you a fur coat, but not a real fur coat . that would cruel.

   God grant me the serenity to accept that My Kids will always Drive me Crazy; courage to change their evil ways when I can; and wisdom to know When to walk away So I Wont ring Their neck

   worst pain ever!.... just slipped, did the splits, and ripped my gooch!

   Our school is attempting to be active in eliminating bullying. I began a conversation with students about the saying, "Sticks and stones make break my bones..." One of my students finished the saying with "but chains and whips excite me!" Wow. Thank you,

   Remember the tea kettle, though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

   Hey Facebook, if I have 75 friends in common with someone and we're still not friends, it means I don't like them. Take a hint.

   I'm not cranky, I just have a violent reaction to stupid people.

   I don't believe in neither the Democratic party nor the Republican party. I just believe in parties.

   If I don't have my budget balanced by tomorrow, I am just going to shut down...

   Love many, trust few, and learn to paddle your own canoe.

   I just sneezed so hard I think I opened a time portal.

   If weed was ever legalized, I can't wait to see the commercials...

   Next time the bank calls me to tell me I'm overdrawn, I'm gonna tell them, "We are aware of the situation and are working to repair it."

   The Cavs win twice, the Tribe sweeps Boston, the Heat lose and LeBron's mom gets arrested. You can't deny that KARMA Cleveland.......

   put your hand up if you think I'm crazy... but then again look at who's raising their hand in front of the computer! :p

   If Coldplay and Mumford & Sons got in a fight... Miley Cyrus would win.

   Life was so much easier when your clothes didn't have to match and boys had cooties.!!!!

   I'm at Camp Crystal Lake, being followed by this huge guy in a hockey mask holding a machete. He must be following us to make sure we're safe. Gee, what a nice guy.

   Do you have Beiber Fever? I'm sick of him too...