Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.

   You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me

   On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?

   I made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if I failed the breathalyzer.

   i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if I failed the breathalizer.

   I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

   So I just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God I love my boobs.

   Beware the disease Idiotitis. It causes the brain to shut down and the mouth to keep talking. Thousands are affected. May be contagious. Best defense: Just slap and run.

   If Ben Roethlisberger is actually getting married tomorrow----- I see no reason why Michael Vick cant own a dog!! :P

   I don't give a crap, but If I did give out crap. You'd be the first person I'd give it to.

   Post this as your status update if you hate status updates that tell you to repost something.

   If you ever want to embarass me, just be yourself.

   Sometimes you just see a post and think, "Yup it's your own fault."

   You ever had a dream so damn good, you were pissed right after you woke up because you didn't want it to end....then you tried to go back to sleep to continue it but failed?

   todays weight loss tip: use super glue as lipgloss

   FACEBOOK: the only place you can poke your friends and not get a divorce or break up over it.. yet your motives may be questioned

   There has gotta be a better use for the part of my brain that remembers all the words to 'Baby Got Back'.

   Tough times don't last, but tough people do.

   Dear Congress, Before stopping military pay, you might want to think about what you trained us to do. Sincerely, A Proud Soldier

   DEVELOPING NEWS: The U.S. Government is shutting down....IN OTHER MORE IMPORTANT DEVELOPING NEWS: I've already started DRINKING!!!! The Government can tax me, but they can't ruin my FRIDAY!!!