Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The awkward moment when you realize your whole life has been a lie this whole time

   Can we go without somebody not whining or being dramatic in a post for at least a minute?! Nope, too late.

   Since they eat brains, you have nothing to worry about if there is a Zombie Apacalypse.

   To the woman at the supermarket with seven screaming kids. I slipped a large box of condoms in your trolley when your head was turned. Remember it's a Vagina NOT a Clown Car

   going to miss Glenn Beck and his rants.. For example "Hemp Growing Marxist fornicators are conspiring with the liberal media to fill the Lincoln Memorial reflecting pool with bong water

   This world is not going to make any real progress until we stop perpetuating the belief that "paper" beats "rock."

   There's a new drinking game at my house. Every time the Democrats call Republicans "extremists" or "radicals" we have to do a shot!!!

   Unless you come from a ethnicity with a tribal history. Having a tribal tottoo just helps others point out just how stupid that your are. Yes white college boy I'm talking to you.

   Just a quick message to all the chics out there...Having over a thousand friends on facebook and 75% of them are men doesn't mean you are popular....it means your vagina is!!!

   I said no to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

   boycotting shampoo and demanding real poo!

   Computers are VERY educational devices... they teach people how to @#%$ cuss!

   God created stupid people to keep us smart ones amused.

   Food Network is like Porn...you always wanna try out what they are doing!

   it means no worries for the rest of your days. it's my problem-free philosophy. hakuna matata.

   Blanket on, too hot. Blanket off,too cold. One leg out, perfect,until the awkward moment when the demon from Paranormal Activity grabs it..

   When do you think Snooki gonna realize that she's a GRENADE?

   This morning I put Red Bull into my coffee maker instead of water and now I can see noises.

   Username or Password Incorrect” You couldn't just tell me which one?

   If this shutdown takes place, I say we get our troops home. Deploy the politicians. They're the ones getting paid, so let THEM leave their families and put their lives at risk every day. They would all be killed within 24 hours and then we can start over!