Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   • Here's to our husbands and boyfriends: May they never meet!

   Every time I found something to eat in the refrigerator, I feel like I found a treasure.

   Facebook Gurls are sooo silly,U post the Sluttiest Photos of Ur self, & then you get Pissed when sum1 calls you Ugly,Cry when sum1 calls you fat,& offend By The Creepy guys friend request,grow up,& put sum cloths on

   Killing two pigs with one bird!

   While surfing for spring and summer fashions on the web, I found myself on the Victoria Secret page when my 13 year old boy-child entered the room. He made the comment, “Isn't that a site for hot girls?” To which I responded, “Go to your room.”

   Let's make the days count, not count the days.

   I'm tired of being dissed by automated restroom paper towel dispensers.

   When I grow up I want to be a kid.

   If I ever become president, everyone will recieve a pet unicorn and a midget sidekick.

   was at a house recently of some people I didn't like when life afforded me the opportunity to empty their bottle of sexual lubrication and replace it with hand sanitizer, On the bright side they should be 99.9% Germ free

   A sunset is just a beautiful way of reminding you of all the stuff you didn't get done today.

   I make a mean cup of coffee. This one just told me that it hopes I have a crappy day. :(

   Just got a letter from one of those traffic light cameras. No ticket; just a picture of me with the caption "Nice shirt, douche bag."

   Met my new gf, a spark came between us…..WOW those taser guns are well worth the money!

   dear lady in the store yelling at your child, take a time out and comb the snakes in your hair, it is time for you to defeat the kraken

   "Archaeologists Discover First-Ever Gay Caveman." I'm calling it now: "Glee-anderthal: The Musical." That one's free, Hollywood.

   wondering what part of "I can get your phone number off the bathroom wall if I wanted to call you" didn't she understand?

   Does anyone else wonder why there are more male sword swallowers than female sword swallowers...

   Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.

   put a number on it by looking up the route on a fare-finding site….So it would've cost Will Smith about $8,356.96 to get from West Philly to Bel-Air!! Dang Uncle Phil was really loaded then!!!