Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you say something really fast it can sound really easy or really hard.

   I just took the garbage out. In 3D

   So... after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation

   I solve many of my problems by simply ignoring them

   After 10 Dos Equis beers, I think I'm the most interesting man in the world

   I took everything with a grain of salt and now I have hypertension.

   Spring makes every day feel like you're stuck in the office on a Friday afternoon.

   Had Maury Povich been in Star Wars, we would have known who the father was a lot sooner

   I crack open a beer and get on facebook when I have nothing else to do....and also when I have something else to do....

   I run with scissors. It makes me feel dangerous.

   The early worm gets the bird. ┌∩┐(◕_◕)┌∩┐

   If the internet is the superhighway... Facebook is that bad accident backing up traffic for miles because everyone can't help staring at it.

   Don't steal. The government hates competition.

   “Oprah's Secret” sounds like a new line of plus-sized lingerie.

   Dont you hate when you lying to somebody and someone else come out of nowhere like "oh yeah, I heard about that"..... lol.... NO you didnt, cause I made it up!!!

   My ex and I were together for 7 years. Evidently I broke a mirror.

   The Netherlands have 800 miles of massive dikes? That's one hell of a parade.

   Just say yes to boobies. There's no other way to go :D

   Just found out a human kidney is worth up to 100,000 dollars. On an unrelated side note, party with free alcohol at my house this weekend.

   Somehow, hitting the 'end call' button on the cell phone just doesn't feel nearly as good as the old days when you could slam the phone down on somebody.