Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No! for the last time stop asking if I am drunk… I am not drunk! Who would name their kid drunk?

   You got 99 problems??well I got 99 bottles of beer on the wall that will solve everything

   fake hair color, fake nails, fake tan, fake eye lashes.. and yet they wonder why they can't find a "real" man!!!

   Dear Shake Weight, Thanks for showing the ladies how it's done. Forever yours, Edward

   I once shot a man with a paintball gun just to watch him dye.

   Ladies, don't give every man a taste because eventually you'll run out of flavor

   What's the difference between strippers and ballerinas? The ballerina's poles are horizontal.

   Women: Can't live with them, can't bury them in the back yard without the neighbours seeing.

   Today is world animal day...let's all take a moment of silence... and remember our Ex's

   Dude!!! That cross-eyed girl at the bar is looking at you.... And me

   Am I the only once who noticed Michael Jordan has a hitler mustache in the Haines commercials?

   Why do you LIKE your own status on facebook ? that's like texting yourself a question and replying back to yourself with your own answer

   Does anyone remember when gas was $1.09? Yeah neither do I.

   I hope that after I die, people will say of me: 'That guy sure owed me a lot of money.'

   How come if alcohol kills millions of brain cells, it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?

   Sometimes I think that life is one big test...and I'm in the wrong classroom.

   When God was throwing intelligence down to the Earth, you were holding an umbrella.

   When the toilet lids closed, it's turned into a seat.

   : Forecast for the weekend - On Friday, mild alcoholism with a 70% chance of poor decisions and impaired judgement close to midnight on Saturday. Increasing chance of regret and hangover for Sunday.

   *sends text message* *gets a reply 45min later* "Oh so it's like that? Ok, then I'm gonna take twice as long to text back!"