Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Its too damn early. Even the voices in my head are still snoring.

   I'd be a terrible fireman, if anyone said their roof was on fire I'd tell'em "You don't need no water, let the mutha f'er burn!"

   An awesum cook, even the smoke alarm is cheerin me on! :)

   Finding the lost TV remote I looked between the bed sheets. Just wish I could find a hot naked women there now and then.

   If you are a Man with a wife or girlfriend that is not a fat-ass, nagging, tree hugging, situation controlling, "Ive got a headache" prude; then re-post this and let them know how much you appreciate them. Any Takers? I didnt think so.

   There is a wondrous tranquility being in a work restroom stall in an empty restroom. The song of evacuational freedom may ring unbridled and resonant.

   How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what someone said?

   Hand Sanitizer... the best way to find invisible cuts for over 10 years now!

   By the super powers vested in me... I can now pronounce you deleted on fb and blocked if I want to.

   We had social networking when we were kids too... I think it was called "outside" back then though.

   ''Are you free tomorrow?'' No, i'm expensive.

   Today, an insect settled on my monitor. Being lazy, I tried waving my mouse at it, but it wouldn't move. So I loaded a picture of Justin Bieber. Worked like a charm.

   *teacher textes student* "dear student, I know you're texting. no one would be looking a their crotch and smiling"

   The condom says to the tampon, "You put me out of my job for a week every month!"The tampon replies, "yeah? And when you don't do your damn job properly, I lose mine for 9 months!!"

   Dear Air Traffic Contollers, It's not enought that the FAA has security patting down 6 year olds, but for the love of God, take a six pack of Red Bull in a cooler with you when you go to work at night. Sincerely, the public.

   *Home phone rings* Me-Hello Tom-Hey dude where r you (dude r you stupid,,,u called my home number nd you asking me where I am.....wtf)

   I hate when I buy a bag of air and there's chips in it.

   Drunk people run stop signs. High people wait for them to turn green.

   If Obama really wanted to impress me, he'd somehow combine Missouri & Oregon to make a "Show me your beaver" state.

   really starting to believe that my bosses 'other car' is a broomstick