Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just Unfriended a Facebook Friend on their Birthday… that takes TRUE GRIT!

   You put a black man in the White House and they give the country a negative credit rating!

   there are three little words I love to hear, that remind me how amazing the world is, and always makes me smile: WELCOME TO WALMART!!!

   there is no validity to greatness achieved if not accompanied by humility....jr

   When I die, i'm gonna have a "like" and "dislike" button on my gravestone. And just a word of caution: If you think its gonna be funny to push the "dislike" button, wait till you see what you look like when all the voltage passes through you...

   oly crap! I just realized that I'm still "it" from a game of tag in 1987.

   my idea of a drinking problem is not having any booze to drink.

   sometimes feels like going up to people who have just been seated at a restaraunt and say "Just to let you know, the last person that sat here threw up on the table"...

   When I was a kid people used to cover me in cream and put a cherry on my head, it was tough being brought up in the gateau.

   Life is like a big fart........You come into the world, make a big stink, and then you just fade away!....

   It's extraordinary when a person comes in contact with a spider web or a bug lands on them, they become a Kung-Fu master.

   posing patiently with my clothes off for Google Earth to come by and take my picture...

   I do not 'get' the concept of a 'gift certificate' , first you take a piece of paper that's good EVERYWHERE,,,,

   If first you don't succeed, try try a GUN.

   I like my girls how I like my cheese: Fat free American singles

   If you ran as much as your mouth you'd be in great shape

   ‎3 facts about life: 1 You can't touch all your teeth with your tongue. 2 Your retarded cause you just tried it. 3 Now your smiling cause you're an idiot.

   Monday sure is an awful way to spend 1/7th of our life......

   I don't mean to be mean but leggings on that old dear....that wasn't a camel toe,it was a moose hoof!!!...

   You looked good until your 30 day trial of Adobe Photoshop expired