Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Alcohol does not make you FAT....it makes you LEAN.....against tables, chairs, floors, walls, and ugly people.

   If a girl flushes a public toilet with her foot, there is probably a lot of other things she won't do.

   I'm so unreliable that I'm thinking about dressing up as a calculator for Halloween just so my friends can finally count on me.

   I got so much crap to do and I'm sitting around like a dingleberry.

   men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from woman : a little bit support and a little bit of freedom

   Walking thru a spider web instantly turns you into a ninja

   You can't change ONE second of the past , and who knows what tomorrow will bring but today is the present , and presents are gifts we should all cherish !!

   What not to say to a cop if your pulled over: What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" YOU'RE the trained specialist.

   When I'm depressed I cut myself.....................a piece of cake.

   if you think that an onion is the only veg to make you cry,try gettin wacked in the face with a POTATO!

   2 men went inside a bar.I was one of them.I dont remember anything else.

   If Eve cursed the entire human race just for an apple, I can only imagine what she would do for a Klondike bar.

   Just when my nightmares were over about you, you walk in my life in reality.

   these foreigners are all the same, once you've seen Juan you've seen Jamal.

   Drink triple, see double, act single ;)

   I hate when I sing a song and the artist gets it wrong

   i thought it was going to take us couple of days to beat libya! what happened? we should leave those arabic countries alone. we just cant beat them!

   asked my mom for money and she said "Does it look like I am made of money?" I said "Well isn't that what M.O.M stands for?"

   Sometimes I get so angry I give myself tourette's

   I think it's about time we, as a sophisticated society, start getting birds to wear diapers.