Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

   Not all chemicals are bad. Without hydrogen or oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.

   You never truly understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother.

   Facebook.. Where ugly people try to convince the world that they're cute..

   People change its a part of life, but sometimes its easier to hold on to the memories of who they were... rather then to realize who they have become...

   Just got scammed out of $25.00, Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes. " Turns out it's about golf. Absolute waste of money. Pass this on so others don't get scammed. Best Regards, Charlie Sheen

   I am on hold. My call is important to them.

   I phoned up a big company today to complain. I said, "Can I speak to the Chairman please?" The snooty woman on the phone replied, "Actually it's ChairWOMAN." I said, "Oh, okay, in that case can I speak to the Vice Chairman please?"

   Facebook needs a "People you need to delete" list....

   The whole idea of april 20th puzzles me.. hitlers brithday? the columbine high school shootings? why celebrate tragedy? so many questions, so many questions

   Happy National Employer Random Drug Testing Day everyone!

   Nails didn't keep Christ to the cross, His love for you did. Have a Happy Easter.

   BBC NEWS: Apple sues Samsung for 'copying' . Samsung retaliate with name calling and telling the teacher.

   The older I get, the more I come to realize that I just don't care what the hell others think.

   Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes? (A} Almost Boobs {B} Barely there, {C} Can't Complain! (D) Damn! (DD) Double Damn! (E) Enormous! (F) Fake. (G) Get a Reduction. (H)Help me, I've fallen

   "We may encounter many defeats but we must not be defeated."

   i feel like a jerk. I just laughed at a life alert commercial.

   If a stranger starts talking to you in an elevator, just say: "I don't want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you" that'll shut 'em up.

   I didn't eat your magic mushrooms, the talking purple unicorn did!

   Evil enters like a splinter and spreads like herpes...