Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes? (A} Almost Boobs {B} Barely there, {C} Can't Complain! (D) Damn! (DD) Double Damn! (E) Enormous! (F) Fake. (G) Get a Reduction. (H)Help me, I've fallen

   "We may encounter many defeats but we must not be defeated."

   i feel like a jerk. I just laughed at a life alert commercial.

   If a stranger starts talking to you in an elevator, just say: "I don't want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you" that'll shut 'em up.

   I didn't eat your magic mushrooms, the talking purple unicorn did!

   Evil enters like a splinter and spreads like herpes...

   Why does a woman have two sets of lips? One to argue with and the other to apologize

   my mom said "i don't wanna fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.

   I've got curtains that couldn't pass a drug test.

   man says to wife "what would you do if I won the lottery"wife replies "take half and leave your ass"husband replies "good,i won 12 dollars here is 6 now get the hell out

   would rather have a cure for the common hangover than the common cold.

   with great power,come's a great electric bill.

   nothing more say's you are a facebook stalker. Then updating your status with a girls name. When you meant to put it in the search box.

   I'm A Serial Poker >:DD

   Why does the Pope mobile have bulletproof glass? If the Pope is afraid to die, what chance does anyone else have!

   I never point fingers but if you look at my toes... they're fully indicating whose a f*cking liar.

   If someone throws a stone at you, throw a flower at them. But remember to throw the flower pot with it.

   Every girl has 3 guys in her life: one she loves, one she hates, and the one she can't live without. But in the end, it's the same guy!

   Girls have a bad habit of holding on for too long. Guys have a bad habit of letting go too easily.

   Single guys need to get a fake ring. I've been hit on more in the last year since I have been married than in a LONG time. You women are scandalous, making me buy a bigger memory card for my contact list and all. Geesh!!!