Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The iPhone checks my Facebook, checks my email, organizes my music, calls my Mom, and now it tracks my whereabouts? It's like having a jealous psycho girlfriend in your pocket.

   I'm glad Facebook will never tell you, "Not tonight I have a headache!"

   Enjoy the little things in life, because one day, you'll look back and realize that they were actually big things.

   To the 'Jolly Old England' poster - use your spell checker, dimwit.

   Did anybody ever end up getting Jay-Z a what what? I think he also asked for a woop woop

   Nobody understand what anyone else is going through. We could be standing beside someone who is broken and never know

   Just on Facebook to see what's going on, so I won't be surprised by CNN's Breaking News.

   Do you know how many black guys wish they were Steve Nash?!?!?

   Just remember even though it is Earth Day, you should not tie yourself to any trees a bear might come by and eat you, one of the many things I have learned from 1,000 Ways to Die

   So I saw a butterfly with no wings today, I poured some RedBull on it and BAM... It drowned...

   Security stopped me at the airport last night. He said, "Do you mind if we search your luggage?" I said, "It depends, what for?" He said, "Drugs." I said, "In that case, no."

   Cremation, the last thing to light your fire.....

   Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit drinking.

   Don't make me go all CAPS LOCKS on you...

   How can you keep earth clean when it's made of dirt and water?

   It's the little things in life that count. Like my salary.

   Men are like coolers. Load them up with beer and you can take them anywhere.

   My 20 year high school reunion is in a few months. I need help with making up some amazing crap that I've done.

   How come whenever I tell someone I play guitar, they challenge me to Guitar Hero? I have never challenged a veteran to Call of Duty.

   I also think Facebook should change “Friends” to “People with whom I have made eye contact”.