Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he's wrong.

   I laugh at your problems, everybody else does.

   Being in LOVE is like Being DRUNK. No control over what you do.

   Remember before the smartphone when you had to take your laptop into the bathroom with you? God, it's like we were cavemen.

   I just took some candy from my baby nephew. I must say it wasn't as easy as I thought it was going to be....

   I'm setting my alarm for 3am Friday, so I can wake up, remember I don't give a shit about the royal wedding and go back to sleep

   I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didnt stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!

   Sorry if my sarcasm offends you. Not really.

   Just sprayed Febreeze's "Brazilian Carnival" air freshener... So far, no party... Guess I'll just sit here and wait on my wax.

   Great day with family, great food but right now I am egg-zausted!

   "A day without a nap is like a cupcake without frosting." -Terri Guillemets

   I've read the story before the duck dies

   What a beautiful day in history. A few thousand years ago, a chicken dressed as a rabbit layed the first ever Cadbury Egg.

   it just me, or is everyones day ruined when you hear that J.G. Wentworth commerical? No matter when, where or even how I hear it, that damn commericals song gets stuck in my head. Damn you J.G. Wentworth and you ability to get my cash now!

   What did the Easter Egg say to the boiling water?... It's gonna take a while to get me hard. I just got laid by some chick.

   A bill collector came to my house the other day, so I gave him a huge stack of my old bills.

   Q. What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? A. We better get some support or people will think we're nuts.

   Best three Kings of all time!! Drin-king, smo-king, and fuc-king.

   Ahh Easter Sunday, when catholics actually go to church then pretend all year they are religious..

   I will avoid tomorrow those who eat Easter eggs today