Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   by the end of this week, most women will "wake" up from that royal wedding...

   living the dream ...one fist pump at a time

   British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!

   The television is not a magical device that communicates all your criticism to your favourite sports team. STOP YELLING AT IT!

   I would take a bullet for u.. Not a real one mind you. But a Coors Light for sure.

   I always Google before reading directions to anything !

   It's official. FaceBook is the new High5

   The best things are unseen,that's why we close our eyes when we Kiss,Laugh and Dream

   I'm pretty sure that just before I get to Walmart some mental institution drops off its patients to go shopping

   Dr. Suess should have been a rapper.

   If you're paddling upstream in a canoe at 56 liters per day, and a wheel falls off, how many pancakes fit in a doghouse? None! Ice cream doesn't have bones!! :D

   I may be fat, but you're ugly – I can lose weight!

   By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he's wrong.

   I laugh at your problems, everybody else does.

   Being in LOVE is like Being DRUNK. No control over what you do.

   Remember before the smartphone when you had to take your laptop into the bathroom with you? God, it's like we were cavemen.

   I just took some candy from my baby nephew. I must say it wasn't as easy as I thought it was going to be....

   I'm setting my alarm for 3am Friday, so I can wake up, remember I don't give a shit about the royal wedding and go back to sleep

   I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didnt stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!

   Sorry if my sarcasm offends you. Not really.