Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wanna get laid? Just crawl up a chicken's ass and wait!

   all the QUEEN'S horses and ALL the QUEEN'S MEN could not get me up at 4am for THOSE wedding SHENANIGANS!!!

   Nobody says that you are dumb. They just say you were sixteen years old before you learned how to wave goodbye.

   You're lucky to be born so beautiful, unlike me, who was born to be a big liar.

   Now accepting applications for FWB. Several positions open. Please email me photos and resume.

   The only Royal Crown I'm interested in at 4am is some Crown Royal..

   Twitter was invented to teach women how to communicate silently in 140 characters or less.

   im two short of a three sum. wheres ben&jerry?

   i dont get it? if pandas eat bamboo all the time why are they so fat???

   Wanna feel confident and attractive? Me too! Let's all get drunk!

   I think McGlovin and Obama got their ID at the same place

   The republican party are "carnival barkers"

   What kind of president would Donald Trump be? A combination of George Bush, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, and Bernie Madoff.

   Money talks...but all mine ever says is "good-bye."

   Does time fly when you're having sex or was it really just one minute?

   save a tree...eat a beaver

   OMG! Got an invite to The Royal Wedding! YES! Wait, oh crap, it's for the wedding of Ted and Nancy Royal in Columbus, OH.

   I'm not only a workaholic, I drink at home too.

   Dear CocaCola, McDonalds, and other massive companies, unless you have a new product for me, stop showing me commercials. I didn't forget about you. I have never stood at a vending machine and thought, what's that thing in the red can? I promise.

   It may take a village to raise a child. But it only takes one condom to save them the hassle.