Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I must say you really have a open mind... and a mouth to match.

   Troubles keep me interested in my life :)

   I missed a payment on my cable bill....purposely, so I don't have to watch that royal wedding crap!

   If State Farm were such a good neighbor they'd come over and pick up all the dog crap in my yard.

   BREAKING NEWS: Donald Trump demands to know what country Latifah is the queen of...

   Hey, this Facebook thingy is WAY more fun than talking to each other!

   Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts! :(

   I can't stand it if I'm excluded from an activity even if I have no intention of going and don't like those who are.

   If my number of Facebook friends drops, I just assume someone died.

   Men Give Give Give Forgive........ Women Get Get Get Forget........

   Tell a girl a million times shes not fat... She'll never believe you... Call her fat once she'll never forget it.

   Local cemetery raises cost of burials, blames "cost of living".

   President Obama should of shoved his birth certificate up Donald Trump's @ss

   You should not be angry if all she wants is your money because all you want is her body.

   It never dawned on me about how fascinating I truly am until I perused through my Google search history.

   I see by your Facebook bio that you're into crafts, blogging, windmills, cats, food, earwax, wine, jazz, God, gaming. ME TOO!

   Did you guys know that turning up the radio fixes almost all your car problems?! Crazy.

   Since President Obama had to show his birth certificate... I am going to need Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachmann to show me a copy of their HS diploma... Because I have doubts..

   The strangest thing about Obama's birth certificate is that it lists Joe Biden as a witness to his birth. Other than that, it appears fine........

   Dear Man, It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it? Sincerely, Elephant