Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "I don't care what political party you lean towards, what religious denomination you claim or what side of the tracks you live on, I love you anyways. Whether you like it or not."

   Earlier today I passed a street sign that said "Dip". I have an idea, instead of putting in the time and money into the "Dip" sign, how about filling in the dip?? Just a thought. If the bridge went out, would they just put up a sign that said, "River"?

   Three questions that dumbfound people: 1) How did Moses part the Red Sea? 2) How many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop? 3) How is Jacob Lusk still on American Idol?

   Look at it this way; if the world's meant to end in 2012, at least you won't have to pay $10/gal for gas

   Whoops! Some vodka fell in my glass... Better clean that up...

   You ever wonder why wearing no underwear is called "going commando"? It seems to me it would not be too useful in a combat situation.

   for a second I thought an ogre and a donkey had crashed another royal wedding, but then I realized it was Camilla and Charles.

   I'd like to give a shout out to my probation officer!! Woot woot I passed My drug test

   Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

   I watch so much of the Investigation Discovery channel, I can kill you and make it look like the Easter Bunny did it.

   BREAKING NEWS: The Pity Train has just derailed at the intersection of Suck It Up & Move On, and crashed into We All Have Problems, before coming to a complete stop at Get the Hell Over It!

   due to welfare, idiot tax payers like me have to work on weekends. Your welcome.

   Today is just one of them days I rather be watching porn....all day

   What you don't see with your eyes, don't invent with your mouth.

   Brunette: what r you doing? Blonde: trying 2 commit suicide. Brunette: the rope goes around your neck, not your waist. Blonde: Tried that, but I couldn't breathe.

   Even a fish can escape being caught, if it keeps it's mouth shut.

   Lol @ the dude buying condoms and getting his card declined. He just got c**k blocked by Visa.

   seeing William and Harry all decked out in their uniforms yesterday.. I kept expecting them to break into that Sondheim tune from "Into The Woods" AGONY!

   it me or does Harry look like the bully from A Christmas Story?

   Once a pun a time, my jokes didn't suck!