Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you're talking behind my back, you're in a good position to kiss my a$$!!

   Watching MTV Cribs makes me feel better about downloading music from the internet.

   My therapist says I have an obsession with revenge. We'll see about that..

   I am a kind of paranoiac in reverse. I suspect people of plotting to make me happy.

   I dont watch porn on purpose...Its alwayz an accident cuz those movie titles just be trickin me all the time..."The Fantastic Foursome"..."Miracle on 69th Street"..."Glad-he-ate-her"..."Womb Raider" and my personal fav "Riding Miss Daisy"

   The only time I've ever had a chip on my shoulder was when I tried to dump the entire bag into my mouth at once.

   I find my kitchen sink stays much cleaner by washing my dishes in the toilet. When did you say you wanted to come over for dinner?

   Soo busy today but I FINALLY got a chance to sit down for a minute..... too bad i'm still at work and the place I'm sitting is on the toilet :/

   Fake: it's the latest trend, and everyone seems to be in style.

   Dear disgusting neighbor, having sex w/guys while your husband was deployed in Korea was just gross. Glad I told him what you did. Sincerely, someone who doesn't cheat

   Ahh the Sunday after Easter... Catholics forgot where church was already, see you at Christmas!

   the good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.

   don't let your worries get the best of you; remember, Moses started out as a basket case.

   the story of the Good Samaritan was being told a Sunday school class. The teacher asked the class, 'If you saw a person lying on the roadside, wounded and bleeding, what would you do?' A thoughtful little girl broke the silence, 'I think I'd throw up!'

   A woman knocked on my door earlier asking if I would like to make a contribution towards domestic violence.So I punched her in the face.

   I'll date anyone who isn't an idiot, hints the reason I'm still single.

   FAST 6 , "The race to the Senior Discount Breakfast at Dennys". The next movie in the outlived Fast & The Furious Saga .

   Girl: Mom, I want some fresh air.. Can I go for a walk? Mom: Yes, but tell your “fresh air” to drop you home by 9 pm..!!

   Pippa middleton's ass is like a JK Rowling book..... you know harry's going to be in it

   I have a ton of leftover horse. I guess I wasn't as hungry as I thought I was.