SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   Scotch looks delicious, but then you take one sip and it tastes like a leather furniture store that's on fire.

   Driving around with the windows down, blasting some Burl Ives, trying to score some holiday sluts.

   Vodka + grape juice is pretty amazing. Pink elephants? I'm talking about some mothereffing purple elephants with fancy accents and monocles!

   I hope popcorn appreciates what the microwave did for its career.

   "Fart" is such a crude word. I prefer "Song of the South."

   You say "potato," I say "I'll pay off your student loans if you let me install a camera above your shower."

   Sometimes, it can be hard to let the cat out of the bag. Like if the bag was plastic and tied too tight, and the kitty is really sleepy now.

   Just decked the halls. Let that be a warning to halls everywhere.

   Hey, insurance companies instead of having a commercial on TV every 10 minutes can you just cover some of my medical bills?

   I'm so emo I just unfollowed myself then wrote a poem about how it felt.

   When my life flashes before my eyes, I hope it's not the special extended edition with all the deleted scenes I've blocked from my memory.

   I just saw a disclaimer that said "don't try this at home", so I tried it at my neighbors house.

   that a drumstick in my pocket or am I just glad to see you it's a drumstick I have an eating problem oh God there's gravy in there too.

   It's like Uncle Pete always said, it's never too early to dip your balls in the gravy. (Uncle Pete's in prison now.)

   Native American ghosts spend Thanksgiving Day at backyard football games, tearing 40 y.o. white dudes achilles tendons.

   If Black Friday involved gunplay, I would have been up hours ago. And turned one on myself.

   I didn't eat enough to feel guilty but too much to feel virtuous. I did it wrong, didn't I?

   Autocorrect thinks idea sells furniture.

   WebMD is so terrifying I just go directly to a casket website now.

   Happy Turkey Day, America! Don't forget to name the turkey and make everyone uncomfortable.