Unknown comic Funny Status Messages

   I'd love to hear about your weekend plans just give me a second to put on my airplane neck pillow.

   As a kid my Mom would remind me that you can get killed crossing the street. At some point it sounded like a suggestion.

   Babies are like little miracles that poop wherever they want and scream at everybody

   I shot out of bed last night with the awful realization that Charlie Tuna was a tunafish that loved the idea of people eating tunafish

   WAKE UP America!!! Are we going to let five UNELECTED dentists decide whether or not we choose Trident?

   Those annoying "live chat" customer service pop-ups go away if you ask them what they're wearing.

   I never ever delete messages… just in case someone decides to start acting different like you weren’t saying that May 14, 2013 at 1:22 PM.

   I would totally watch a House Hunters companion show that explains how some of these idiots have so much freakin' money.

   Not enough dishes to fill up dishwasher. Had to wash three cups and a fork by hand. This must be what it felt like to live in the old west

   Crazy how the Pointer Sisters say they're JUST burning doing the Neutron Dance like it's not a huge deal to catch fire from dancing

   Gardening would be a great hobby if I didn't hate plants or going outside or doing things

   A fun thing to do with when you're watching "JAWS" with someone is lean over halfway through and whisper "I think the shark did it."

   I say potato you say potato, another guy says potato, everyone starts chanting potato, the potato meeting was a huge success

   .What's your dog's handkerchief for? Is he robbing a stagecoach later?