SEAN Funny Status Messages

   told my wife that the doctor put me on a new exercise program that requires me to walk 3 miles a day, she said good next week you'll be 21 miles away...

   So if Bruce/Catline Jenner goes missing, will they put the picture on a carton of Half & Half?

   plot twist........ it WAS my first rodeo

   Ariana Grande would be the first kid on the factory tour taken away by the Oompa Loompas.

   If you're missing a necklace just remember Dave Navarro probably has it.

   I need to slap the Pharmacist that put my pet's prescription in the same amber vial as mine, but first...I need to piss on this mailbox.

   I think Lebron misunderstood coach when he was told to share the ball more...

   Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of my wifes feminine hygiene products fell out on me. it was a Tampede...

   my neighbor stopped me while I was mowing to brag about his new mower, I said thats nice and all but I still have a bigger deck. ..

   Curb alert! Sabra hummus and Blue Bell ice cream varieties

   the wife just woke me up and told me to quit snoring, I said I never snore I just dream I'm a motorcycle. ..

   The black really brings out your eyes- Ray Rice pick up line...

   There's a person out there for everyone, but for some women that person is 6 cats....

   When I was growing up mom would wake up early to cut my crust off my sandwhich before I went to school, crust was my favorite part- she really hated me....

   I would never survive a real job because I dont like being told when I can eat lunch...

   It's nice to get married and finally know who the number one suspect in your murder case will be

   Didn't even finish microwaving this Lean Cuisine before the suicide prevention hotline called me..

   When I said make yourself at home I meant go wash my dishes.

   Just once I'd like a doctor to tell me I'm not getting enough beer in my diet.

   Divorce---When being wrong every day for being alive isn't working for you.