Huck Funny Status Messages

   Forgot to close a finger quote. Sorry the last seven years sounded so sarcastic.

   My son asked me what it's like to be married so I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.

   What's worse to have stuck in your head; a knife or All About That Bass?

   Preferred Forms of Contact (In Order): 1) Email 2) Text 3) Social Media 4) Group Message 5) entering My Shower in a "Scream" Mask 6) Phone

   I read a burglar in Nova Scotia fled a crime scene in a canoe. The only way this could be more Canadian is if he was stopped by a police beaver dam.

   I get the same feeling at the dentist that I get when a cop car is behind me; I haven't done anything wrong, but I feel incredibly guilty.

   Who else is still wearing their Halloween costume?! Didn't think I'd be keeping it on for days but everyone's really digging me as Pikachu!

   It's only November 2nd and I'm already seeing Halloween decorations

   Hey smoke detectors, feel free to use that last bit of battery life to continue monitoring fires instead of getting all beepy.

   What's the best age to tell your kids that they have a weak rap game?

   I can't decide what I should be for halloween or any other day

   Before forming an opinion on an important social topic, ask yourself: what would a completely unqualified millionaire celebrity actor think?

   he instructions for my funeral are for someone to come up front at the end and padlock my coffin shut just to freak everyone out.

   Today I went to work w/my clothes inside out and had chocolate pudding and popcorn for dinner. Wife has been gone ONE DAY & I am a toddler.

   If my calculations are correct then someone else did them for me

   Cars should come with two horns: one that’s like “Hey guys!” & another that’s like “I will end you!”

   When people ask me what I did over the weekend, I always squint and respond “Why, what did you hear?”

   In Oregon a Labradoodle was unharmed after falling off a 200 ft cliff. Some suspect that he actually jumped because of the name "Labradoodle".

   I solve all my problems by creating three new ones as distractions.

   Never seen anyone jogging and smiling, so that’s all I need to know about that.