Hiyourjon Funny Status Messages

   it called NASCAR because that's the way a hillbilly pronounces "nice car?"

   Every day is free Slurpee day if you own a shotgun.

   Elisabeth Hasselbeck is going to Fox News, which will be a better use of her skills, such as "having a face" and "being wrong about things"

   Very hard explaining to a 4yo how paper beats rock. None of us likes it, that's just the way it is, but we accept it and move on.

   One time I was stranded on a kitchen island for 4 years. It was delicious.

   Politicians should have to wear NASCAR jumpsuits so that we know which corporations sponsor them.

   Every year for Halloween, Kanye West dresses up as Kanye West.

   Whats the worst thing you can do to a blind person? Leave the plunger in the toilet...

   Dear Michelle Obama. The White House is NOT like a prison. American citizens can visit prisons.

   Do you think the dude that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?

   hmm I think i'll have a small snack *eats an apple, a packet of cookies, a small couch, the whole living room, a saudi arabian family of 4*

   My three favorite shows about murderers are Dexter, Hannibal, and SportsCenter.

   Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.

   I've already decided, if I ever go to The Price Is Right, I'm gonna "come on down" whether they call my fuckíng name or not.

   Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads

   I love walking on the beach with my girlfriend. Until the LSD wears off and I'm just dragging a stolen mannequin around a car park.

   Please stop praying for my grandpa you are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don't work on him :(

   *christopher walken giving tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unnecessary pause* for walken

   first rule of fight club is no fighting. welcome to contradicton club everyone have a seat and dont have a seat. also this isnt contradicton club

   I have some jokes about unemployment but they need some work.